It is getting late. It’s been dark many hours ago. I am approaching to a bigger town. It’s ten pm. Nobody around. I see a downtown sign. I am going there. I need to stroll, observe life. It is Christmas eve. Everybody at home, with their families. I park the car, put the coat on and start wandering…
A fine rain commences to fall. In no time, the streets became a mirror. The pavement shines. A glorious night… I am walking holding the hand of the most beautiful creature around: loneliness. Maybe nothing is real… perhaps a dream, an insane dream… Maybe nothing that seems to happen does… Is this… all of this, for real? Is it not yet a bad joke, mere fiction? I find myself so exhausted… so disconnected… so detached… am I even here? If this is it… this! I don’t want to have anything in relation to that… No!
How is it possible so much unfairness… lie… Yes! Probably, very soon I am going to wake up and nothing will be the way it looks like… I stop, standing still… cured by the magical rain from the sighs of so many who felt the same way before… I close my eyes… and wait… Maybe the enchantment will fade away and once I open my eyes again, will be able to sense everything in its real appearance.
I can see all the longings and illusions left by brave hearts and bold pilgrims… I can see, there in front of my breath, skies and hopes dancing in perfect harmony… I can see the rewards when you don’t expect anything… I can see how the forgotten ones are the ones to save us… I can see how blind I have always been…
And… I open my eyes again… And… darkness… and tragedy… and perdition… everything is still the same… I keep caught by the curse… The same buildings… the rain sliding through my face… heartless streets… a sky without stars… A life without frenzy… A future without ecstasy…
I stare at the blocks… and I think the amount of families that in those precise moments are celebrating the moment of being together, save… sheltered by good wills and hidden hypocrisies…
Among all the streets, I always love looking at life through the darkest ones… the ones less walked… through the abandoned ones… And there, in the middle of those lost links, I try to fathom the latent secret that wraps the apparent nonsensical journey… I fight against the rotten images that try to chain my spirit… I lead a courageous battle to understand the omens to get the right path to meet the true reason to believe…
Common reasons from masses… reasons that I detest… I don’t belong to anyone… Common reasons that take people just to exist… in a betrayed lifetime with an infamous lack of bravery to pursue true love, a vocational job or the devotion for the values, principles and morality… And the worst thing is that I can include me there… I have been there… for so long… so long…
Forty four years old… worn out… lost… going nowhere… and dying at each given away step…
And I come back from the deepest regions of my soul… I sense the moisture from the rain… the holy cold brought by the wind… I can feel every single cell of my being… with all the ruined dreams… all the dictatorial submissiveness submitting all my actions… I can see the miserable aspect of someone who became just an accident in the course of life… I at last, face the truth… I face myself…
And… I comprehend that in the true repentance lies not only forgiveness but the light that helps you to be who you were born for… I understand… and reach out my hand… because there… so far away from the elements that built my disintegration, I have decided to start again… to be reborn… to shine… to adore awareness no matter what… to be able to smile and not to regret when the next rain comes for me…
There is not turning back anymore… I found myself… the path and the sunshine…
I make a promise… I will follow the aura of my convictions whatsoever… I will be who I were meant to be…
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